Healing from the sexual abuse that began at age seven
is taking a lot of work.
The grooming process included isolating me from the rest of the world and making me his own. Once convinced he was the only person I could go to, he was free do anything he wanted to me, no matter how revolting, painful, or frightening. I have finally figured out that there are two fundamental needs that were never met as a result:
feeling safe and cared for.
The feelings of isolation from believing that no one wanted me – not even my parents* – have
left me limited to experiencing life through a thick glass wall. The lives that I see interacting with care, compassion, productivity, success, that set boundaries that are respected, if not, they are free to speak up for themselves. These things I cannot do. I can only watch.
I do not know how to interact with others. I certainly care and have compassion for others. That, I can do from my side of the wall. After all, who is going to turn someone away who is willing to do what others do not want to, or cannot do – and expect nothing in return including respect? Someone who is willing to be there when no one else wants to be bothered. And when all is said and done, I go home alone. Who even realizes the emptiness that devastates my soul? The question I am facing at this time is, how do I change that? That is what I mean when I use the word “healing”. How do I learn, at the age of 68, what I should have learned at the age of 7?
The sadder part of it is, even if I am perceived like a real, living, breathing, human being, I am unable to recognize it. I do not feel worthy. If someone gets beyond that wall, the alarms go off and I become afraid, that if I do let someone “in”, I am going to be taken advantage of.
COVID-19 has left many people feeling somewhat isolated. The Senior Center I belong to held “drive throughs” for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Employees of the center filled gift bags with a variety of goodies for members to drive up and receive. I did not take advantage of the opportunity. I felt embarrassed. I felt like there were other people who could benefit from it more.
I realize that was an opportunity to be a real person, but I chose isolation. The feelings of unworthiness and being vulnerable far outweighed my need to respond to an invitation to an activity where I was sure to be welcomed. How can I possibly overcome that?
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* One of the ways p was able to make me his and isolate me from everyone – even my parents – was he convinced me that no one loved me, that no one cared for me, not even my parents. My parents would not miss me if anything happened to me because they had four other children. He did such a good job of convincing me, that when I wanted to hug my Mom, I knew she did not want me. So, I would hug her bath towel.