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  • Writer's pictureMaggie Cessna

VOLUNTEERING REIMAGINED

Updated: Oct 26, 2021

Volunteering is a sensitive subject for me. Most of my life - it has been my life. P’s intentional, systematic brainwashing years ago still dictated my relationships with myself and the rest of the world. According to him, no one wanted me. No one liked me. I was nothing but an “ungrateful brat” that P kicked to the curb when he was finished with me. And when he did, I was completely lost.


I was lost because his brainwashing had left me completely isolated. I truly believed that I was not wanted, not loved, and did not matter. Except, it seemed when I focused on fulfilling the needs of others. Being the oldest of five, I found I was needed to play the role of caregiver.

Doing for others made me feel like I belonged. It gave me a sense of purpose and an opportunity to engage with others. I took on similar roles in school. I looked out for the younger kids. Taught them how to play different games. For years, I coached and refereed basketball games. I made sure everyone was safe and most important of all - happy. I lived according to the needs of others. It did not even register with me that I had needs of my own. What saddens me still is how alone I always felt. Everyone would go home to a place they knew they were loved and cared for. My world was dark and cold. I was invisible.


As an adult, I found myself taking on more significant roles at the church. It was important to me that everyone involved felt welcomed, valued, and empowered. These roles required most, if not all my time. Whether it was at church leading a group or home preparing. I began to be glad that I was so alone. Being alone gave me the time and focus necessary to fulfill the roles I was taking. I actually believed that that was what God wanted me to do.


What was wrong with me? I began to realize I was nothing without the Church, without all the responsibilities I had volunteered to fulfill. A question I was asked when I reported the abuse to the Church’s representative was, “If this really happened to you, why were you so involved in the Church?" I did not have an answer.


The last 20 or so years of my life have been challenging but rewarding. I left the parish I was involved with to take care of my parents. Dad died in 2008. Mom in 2012. Up until my Dad died, I was at their home (the home I grew up in) almost 24/7. It was hard to see them suffer but it gave me the opportunity really get to know them. And them me. There developed a deep mutual sense of respect. I had been blessed with the greatest gift I could have ever asked for – to know without a doubt – that my parents really did, wholeheartedly love me.


I wanted to shout loud enough for p to hear me.

You were wrong! My Mom and Dad do love me!


After my Dad passed, Mom developed c-diff and went into septic shock. She survived. Her suffering was immense. She moved in with me until God took her home to be with Him and my Dad and all the people (and pets) who were special to them. They had kept their dog’s, Buttons, ashes on an end table in the living room. Dad insisted on being cremated. Their urns went wherever Mom went, except the hospital or the stints she did in rehab. When Mom passed, they were all buried together and will forever remain. Knowing that has blessed me with a peace beyond what I could have ever asked.


About six weeks after everything had settled, I landed in the ER with an anxiety attack like I had never had before. What was that about? It was time to work on understanding why my life had always been so different from others. I am now on course of deciphering what I know and what is surfacing. I realize that I was fortunate that my wee little child-mind protected me from experiencing the horrible things when they were happening. Now it's time to harness the free-floating thoughts and feelings that have dominated my life and put them where they belong. It is such a frightening, painful journey that may never really end. But I have accepted that with a bit of joy. The more work I do to heal, the better I am able to live a happier, more fulfilling life.


Have I returned to volunteering?

Do you have to ask?


(Have I returned to the Church? Ummmmmm. Are you kidding me?)


But now, before I say "yes" to something, I ask myself why. Is there a void in my life I'm trying to fill? Do I feel obligated? Intimidated? Gaslighted? Manipulated? What will my efforts accomplish? Not only for the receivers but for this giver. It feels kind of selfish, but I now understand the importance of keeping that very fragile balance.


I recently did the knee-jerk response of volunteering - and then panicked. There were several positions open. In my mind, I put myself in each and scrutinized my intentions. What I have chosen to do has been energizing!


There is an upside to the many years of volunteer work I did for the church. I have realized that there were skills I had developed. I am very analytical, good at organizing and envisioning how a plan could unfold and what it could lead to. I still believe it is important to empower those I volunteer with so they will be able to take over when I’m ready to move on. These skills, like the little girl who has never stopped caring for others and is learning to care for herself, are the parts of me that I recognize, will protect, and will joyfully carry with me.




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